Monday, November 9, 2009

I can't help but wonder

Why is it that pretty much every time I've ever come across some form of relationship commentary or advice, whether it be written/spoken by a man or woman, the advice comes from a place of what it is the man in the relationship wants? I suppose the easy answer would be that the ladies are the ones writing in for the advice, or the ones who seem to reach out for help in such situations. But is that really the kind of advice we want? Ladies, we have GOT to stop allowing this to be such a one-sided adventure. Why are we the ones expected to alter, or play his game, or alter our game to fit his? Is it so hard to find the absurdity in that? Why shouldn't he be the one altering his ways for you? Actually, scratch that, because really ... that's equally stupid.

And this thought, spawns another ...

Be it boy or girl, you're doomed to a life of self-imprisonment if you don't get out in the world and behave the way you want to, simply because it pleases you. I say, enjoy your life. Enjoy yourself. Live life to whatever your version of its fullest might be. Love with the heat of a thousand white hot suns (or don't).

Pause, I don't mean that to sound as hedonistic as it comes off.

Common sense would have to dictate ... don't abuse people, don't take people for granted. Don't be selfish or slimy. That's just bad manners. The people who love you, and are there for you, and are wonderful to you simply because you're who you are (i.e. your friends and family) are the people who will be there when you've got snot flying out your nose and can't contain your bowel movements. Yeah, it's gonna happen one day I'm sure.

When it comes to the people who we actually get to choose to share our lives with (good and bad), wouldn't you rather have it be someone who's choosing you (this goes for who you choose as well) because what you are at your core is so undeniably magnetic? Not because you put on a good show and let them see what you wanted them to, but because YOU are irresistible?

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy???

I've just seen far too many couples self-destruct like a letter to Inspector Gadget, because one or both of the parties involved presented themselves as something ... other. If the parties involved don't fit, it's much better to know right away than it is to prolong the inevitable.

Hello divorce rate? Hello broken homes and families?

Maybe I just romanticize romance???


  1. This was absolutely fantastic and I agree wholeheartedly! I've tried making the men in my life happy for a long time. Especially my ex husband, but the last three years where I feel I have been myself have been the most liberating and happiest years of my life.

    Personally, I have never been more in demand. That sounds egotistical, but it's true. Guys are asking me out left and right. At first, I was shocked. First of all, I'm a big woman. Not a girl. I am a BIG woman. Second, I have kids. Already two things that I thought disqualified me from finding a guy to my liking. I thought I would terrify them with images of domesticity. But I was wrong. I love being me, and being quirky and nerdy, and they love it too. I wrote this to my cousin recently:

    "I think I'm just oozing confidence right now. That's what it is. Guys don't like insecure women, and I've been insecure a long time. Now I KNOW for a fact that men find me attractive, so fuck being insecure and feeling undesirable. They want me despite my lonjas [spanish for lovehandles] and my flaws, and I can accept it now. I'm done hiding and feeling like no one will ever want me. It's been proven time and time again that they just don't want me for a piece of ass (though some of them do, but blah)."

    Women and men should not downplay or hide anything about themselves if they want to find a person that compliments them. [serial killers might want to hide those tendencies, however. Totally takes them out of the good catch category]

    Thanks again for vocalizing this topic so well! *hugs*

  2. This is my theory on relationships: I'm psyched to be with them, they're psyched to be with me. We don't have to be twinsies 100% alike- but differences should compliment each other, not cause resentment. I know that many times I've said to myself- if only I could just lower my standards or ignore things. But I can't. I think at the end of the day, my goal is to be happy with myself. Because as RuPaul, patron saint of self confidence, once said- "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else?". I live my life trying to be as caring and selfless as possible, living my life in a way that ensures sound sleep. I know I've got a lot to offer who I assume to be the luckiest dude.

  3. Vanessa, you're in high demand because of what you posted as well as the fact that you're just flat-out amazing. You're a smart, beautiful, confident, strong, joyful, fun person to be around, who also has her shit together, and has two beautiful children who you nurture and love. It's so clear to everyone who gets to know you just how capable you are of truly loving someone, or something, and I think everyone wants that.

    Rachel, we've talked about this ad nauseum and I absolutely agree. You will one day find the perfect man, and you will undoubtedly be the perfect wife (although that is entirely different for every person I know - which is kind of the point I guess). You will one day make a very lucky man, extremely happy. Can 2010 get here please? ;)

    In general, I see nothing wrong with wanting to please your significant other (I've always hated that terminology), unless you're sacrificing yourself and your happiness in the process.

    I see so many people playing this awkward, guess where I stand, game and it's just nonsense. I also see people masking themselves and hiding behind one vice or another in an effort to avoid really feeling anything. I'm jealous. I'm addicted to feeling. ("IIIIIiiiii I"m hooked on a feelin' - high on believin' - that you're in love with me") I know other people who will gladly avoid any brand of happiness because undoubtedly it's going to one day, turn sour. It's all just ridiculous. Life is too short for that kind of protectionism. Self-preservation is a force to be reckoned with, but if all you're preserving is a shell of a human being, why bother?